My Little Baby

We had our first OB appointment Monday the 21st, almost 2 weeks ago now. I couldn't wait for this appointment cause I wanted to have a picture of a little munchkin. I was apprehensive because I had to change doctors for insurance purposes (and I was totally in love with my last OB,) but it turns out this new doc I'm seeing is just perfect, too. Plus she knows my old OB and loves her too. Anyway, the appointment went as planned until we got to the ultrasound. They had asked me if I was sure of the date of my last period (100%, was my answer.) I was told that the baby was not measuring up to the 8 weeks I thought I was, so I'd need a more in-depth ultrasound to take more exact measurements. We scheduled that for two days later without much thought. There were two possibilities at that point. First, that something was wrong. Second, that we just weren't as far along as we thought. I was pretty sure that was the case, since we didn't get a positive test right away.

On the way in to our ultrasound appointment, I asked Jeff if he was worried. We hadn't really considered the other options til we were pulling in. Still, we weren't really worried. We went in for the appointment, and the Ult. tech started on the belly but couldn't get good pictures, so I changed and she came back. She was taking lots of pictures and measurements, but was pretty much silent throughout. She did tell us that there was not a heartbeat. This was 100% normal for the size of the baby, but the SIZE of the baby was not necessarily normal. Finally, she called the doctor in to confirm, and she's the one who talked to us. She said that the baby's sack was a little irregular, and it appeared that I had been bleeding a little. (I had not had so much as one tiny drop of blood up to this point.) She told us we would have to come back again so that they would have another measurement with specific timeframes to monitor the baby's growth. She did say it really was possible that nothing was wrong, but there were some irregularities. We made another appointment and left subdued.

My doctor actually called me that night to discuss the ultrasound. She told me all the same things and gave me warning signs to watch for that should bring me to the hospital. At first, I was very rebellious against and angry at the thoughts and ideas they presented. Then, I did some research and that helped a little. Most importantly, Jeff brought me to our bedside and offered a lovely prayer. Twelve days seemed an impossible amount of time to wait with such a heavy lack of knowledge, but after that prayer, I felt surprisingly peaceful. I knew things would work out just right.

Life resumed as normal, and still nothing happened that week. On Saturday afternoon, I began to notice very small amounts of blood. I notified a few family members (as I had plans that night) and was blessed enough to have my in-laws pick up my kids and have a quiet night in with Jeff (who came home from work.) This was a sad night for me, but still, nothing really happened. Sunday, we were back on track, and Monday, too, but generally I was taking it easy. By Tuesday, bleeding had barely increased, and I had the beginnings of very mild cramps, but really nothing else to alarm and everything progressed so slowly. So, I took some extra strength Tylenol and went to rehearsal that night. We sang for the first hour before we took a break. By the time we almost to that break, I was starting to have some intense cramps. I excused myself to the restroom and realized right away that I needed to get to the hospital. I called Jeff, he said he would meet me there (I was pretty close to the U) as soon as his mom came to watch the girls. I tried to keep it all together when I told the group I had to leave, but kind of lost it before I was out of the room. One of the members came to check on me, hugged me, offered a ride, but I wanted to go by myself. I made it to the ER in a fair amount of pain and tears streaming. They probably helped me very, very quickly, but I felt like I sat there forever, hunched over in my chair, people staring and crying my way through a box of tissues. I felt like everyone knew what was going on - I could see pity everywhere I looked.

I got settled in my room and Jeff arrived a bit later. The nurse came to give me an IV (so I could get some much-needed pain relief) and had a hard time. I think I might have squeezed Jeff's hand off if it went any worse. It took 2 nurses and 4 sticks to get a good line, meanwhile I'm writhing in the bed. I have huge (we're talking 2 inch) black bruises where they tried to get an IV in and couldn't. Finally, I got some bloodwork done and morphine, then the Resident came. She did some more tests, exams, ultrasound, etc. She said some signs pointed to being in the middle of a miscarriage, but she could not get an ultrasound so I needed to go to radiology. After this, I got more morphine because those procedures were probably actually the most painful moments of my life.

I waited a bit, then was taken to Ultrasound (still cramping and bleeding throughout,) where the kind girl who wheeled me there stayed in the room - isn't that weird? Luckily, it was not the most important thing to me at that moment. We got some very thorough pictures, again painful, and they showed for certain that the baby was gone. It did appear, however that maybe the amniotic sack remained. So, I was wheeled back to my room, where we waited for over 2 hours for the docs to give the "official" word. They came and said I could do a D&C or take some meds at home. I opted for the second. They got me all set and Jeff and I left at around 2:30-3 a.m.

The following morning, Jeff took the girls out and about and picked up my prescriptions. Since I opted out of the D&C, I had to take some medication that would basically recreate the miscarriage to make sure that everything got out. I took those Wednesday afternoon (yesterday) and settled in. I watched half a movie in bed, then slept, watched more movie, then slept. I have become literally astonished at how much a person can sleep. I was basically bed-ridden all day, and still slept all night. I was REALLY dreading this treatment because of how painful it was the first time. Maybe just because it was artificial, or perhaps it was the Lortab, but it was not as bad as the first time. I am still struggling with extreme fatigue, cramps, bleeding, etc, but I am getting better. Thank goodness my sister came and took the girls for a walk today so Jeff could get some homework done, and my mom came tonight to get dinner, watch the girls and put them to bed, so I could rest while Jeff's back at work.

Thank you so much to all of our family who has helped so far-they are so supportive and making big sacrifices! My family that has come have been driving up from Utah county, and when Jeff's mom came, she brought a load of grandkids she was watching with her, because Jeff's sister was also in the hospital. We couldn't ask for more.

My personal thanks to Jeff who has been the model of charity. Even after days of taking the load, and I could see that he and the kids were driving each other absolutely nuts, he only wanted me to sleep and rest.

As for me, this experience has almost been surreal. I was never expecting a miscarriage because all of the women in my family are so fertile. It just never crossed my mind. I have been very grateful to have been prepared and supported throughout, to get that little forewarning. I think if Tuesday night's events had come on without warning, it would have crushed me. I am also very grateful that I have not felt necessarily like I lost a baby. My loss feels somewhere between that and not being able to get pregnant. I look back with gratitude and recall little things that are helpful, like not knowing gender, not having names picked out, not having made any purchases or special plans. Losing what felt like my baby would also have crushed me.
I am still sad, but I do feel a peace. Therefore, my greatest thanks, now and ever, is to my Savior. For His support, the knowledge I have, and the Comforter which I feel around me.

More MTMMS

(Moments that makes me smile)

Today Amelie was cruising around on her little princess ride-on with her ride-on unicorn stick attached firmly to the back. She said three things that made me die from adorableness overload.

1. "I got you, Neigh. This way, Neigh."
2. "I'm so sorry, so sorry." -very heartfelt, and stroking its face when it fell off the back
3. "I had no choice!" Haha! (this falls into the "I've never said that to her/have no idea where she got that from" category.)

Also, the girls both wanted to get into Amie's crib and jump around while I sat in the rocker next to them. Alisa would stick her face up to the slats and wait for me to eskimo kiss and say "nosey nosey," after which she laughed like there was nothing funnier in the whole wide world.